For me
I compose entries in my head, where they are memorized and typed at a later date. I am backlogged at the moment. As a common courtesy, I like to comment in others' blogs before I get to my own, but all these entries are going to disappear if I don't start getting them down.
Sometimes, I have to write for me.
The other night, Chris' childhood friend and his family came over to visit. His son got along fabulously with Kade. In fact, Kade played with him so well, a thought came into my head. He would have made a great older brother. He just didn't get the chance. New Year's is almost here. From then on, I think I will probably be emotionally AWOL. It just goes that way. Before the holidays, I snap at whomever has the audacity to piss me off. After the holidays, I'm unfocused, absent-minded... consumed with selfishness over something else. I can't go around blaming every bad mood on that. I guess it would surprise people how much I am still affected.
I have good days and then I have days that are like the bowels of hell.
I don't like to talk about it, because honestly, no one wants to listen about that. No one knows what to say. I don't even know. And to be completely honest, I really don't feel like listening to what they have to say. I keep it mostly inside. So that others don't have to be a part of things I go through. It's mine and mine alone. I like to keep it like that.
The world goes on without me, while I'm still stuck on that day.
He would have been three years old. He would have been walking and talking. I never once got to hear him laugh. I never once got to see him look back at me. I never got to hear him cry. All these simple things that people take for granted -- they're all things I never got a chance to share with him. And it kills me inside sometimes.
All those hopes and dreams wrapped up in a tiny little bundle. Laid to rest in a small white coffin. I think a part of me died that day.
Sometimes, I have to write for me.
The other night, Chris' childhood friend and his family came over to visit. His son got along fabulously with Kade. In fact, Kade played with him so well, a thought came into my head. He would have made a great older brother. He just didn't get the chance. New Year's is almost here. From then on, I think I will probably be emotionally AWOL. It just goes that way. Before the holidays, I snap at whomever has the audacity to piss me off. After the holidays, I'm unfocused, absent-minded... consumed with selfishness over something else. I can't go around blaming every bad mood on that. I guess it would surprise people how much I am still affected.
I have good days and then I have days that are like the bowels of hell.
I don't like to talk about it, because honestly, no one wants to listen about that. No one knows what to say. I don't even know. And to be completely honest, I really don't feel like listening to what they have to say. I keep it mostly inside. So that others don't have to be a part of things I go through. It's mine and mine alone. I like to keep it like that.
The world goes on without me, while I'm still stuck on that day.
He would have been three years old. He would have been walking and talking. I never once got to hear him laugh. I never once got to see him look back at me. I never got to hear him cry. All these simple things that people take for granted -- they're all things I never got a chance to share with him. And it kills me inside sometimes.
All those hopes and dreams wrapped up in a tiny little bundle. Laid to rest in a small white coffin. I think a part of me died that day.
posted by Ari at 10:36 PM
11 Comments:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <--I know it's only a virtual hug... but still...
(((Ari)))
And it's not surprising in the least to me that it still hurts so deeply.
I didn't know. I know words cannot bring him back, but still, I am sorry for your loss Ari! Here is another Digi {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}.
At a loss for words. I guess that's appropriate.
Chris
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Sometimes words simply will not do because they are of no use. This is one of those times, no words just warmth that is always here.
(((Ari)))) as you already know.. I know this feeling you are feeling. Your words touched me in places in my mind I dared not go before. You have a strength that shows in your entry and I hope you can feel that. You have everyright to feel selfish at this time.. and no one needs to ask more of you!
My heart goes out to you. And I am here.
Luv,
Promise
.........
Just a note to let you know I am here...
My heart is with you my friend.
Jodi
I don't know how it feels . . I can only sit here in the dark thinking about it . . . only my screen lights the room.
I have one son and I think of the children I might have had . .. I go empty and cold. I think of you.
I am so sad, Ari. I am so sorry.
Cyndy
I do understand Ari. My first son would be 12 right now. I lost him because my ex-husband beat me. I am so sad from november until after new years every year because i think about that. I am so sorry for your loss. and if you need to talk, I am here and I share your pain. Tawnya
Ari,
Your honesty here is something I believe we'll all hold as a precious gift of you. The little one I lost would have had a birthday in January as well. I think, it's something us Mothers have to carry alone in solitude, no one can understand our grief, the thoughts that occur to us at any given moment. There are times I want to scream to the world not to forget who is gone, but I don't think most people know how to hear the words.
Thinking of you and your little one.
No words I offer can possibly take away the pain you must feel in your heart. I will simply, and humbly, say that it is an honor to know you, Ari. Truly an honor. And that, my dear, comes directly from my heart!
Judith
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