Love can make you do terrible things. Love can make you forget yourself. It can turn you so weak, so that your voice becomes a hollow echo of its former self. It makes you blind. It makes you foolish. How could you let it come this far? How could you hide away, afraid to stick up for yourself? How could you forget to be true to you?
You. You who are nothing. That's what you've become. A nobody. A second-class citizen in your own home. You can't even speak up now without them thinking you are crazy. Even if you try, you'll get railroaded. Your thoughts will fly away before you have a chance to breathe life into them. Your words won't get a moment's time of your lips. All these little chances you've let slip by throughout the years, all those times you should have said no, but you didn't. And now you can't. Those feelings don't go away. They just stay trapped inside. No one knows. And no one cares. It's just easier that way, isn't it?
It's much better than the alternative. If you truly say how you feel, those thoughts will be pulverized before your very eyes only to end up in a mushy pulp beneath his feet. He has to win, you know. At any cost. You could just let him win. You could just keep quiet and let him do what he wants. It'll make him happy. Why doesn't that feel right? Why are you not allowed to be happy, too? Why is it always your sacrifice?
You can't even imagine a world that isn't like this. Or maybe you can. Maybe it's the last thought that runs through your head before you fall asleep. Or maybe it's the same thought that prevents you from sleeping right now.
What happened to that defiant little girl that eyed the world as if to take it by storm? Be careful what you wish for. It takes a warrior to weather the storms tossed your way. Why fight this? It's too late now. Just give in. Like you always do. Just give in so everyone else can be happy. Just shut up and keep breathing. Keep your head down and live your life on your knees.
Except I don't want to live there anymore. I'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees. And if I do what I always do, then I'm going to get what I've always gotten. Take a good hard look, Ari. If you don't make a change, that little defiant girl will die inside.
Or at least that is what I tell myself before the tears hit the pillow. I am so tired.