The Face Buffer Massacre

It sometimes terrifies me to look at my son and realize just how much he's grown and matured. He has stopped his con jobs... well sort of. With his allowance each week, he's now less apt to persuade people out of their money. Now, he's moved on to fruit. His Uncle Dewayne pays him one orange to clean the yard. I guess I can live with that. Kade seems happy about it. "Negotiations went as planned." That was his exact comment.

You can imagine how astonished I was to find a pimple on his cheek. Dude, he's eight! When did that start happening?! You think that's bad? His best friend, who is also eight years old, has armpit hair. I'm beginning to believe they have some sort of growth hormone in the water. I've switched him to Propel water, just in case. No tap for you, hon. He won't let me pop it, either. It's just sitting there on his cheek driving me insane.

So there's all that, then the other night, he decides he is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. I told him that the movie was far too mature for the likes of him. I asked him repeatedly to leave the room. But he insisted he would be all right to watch it. Kids never listen. I told him not to watch it. I even suggested a Disney movie for him to watch upstairs, but he and that big ass pimple looked at me with disdain.

The movie, much like any garden variety horror, has a sexual scene. This is the part where I froze in horror. My Chris felt me freeze next to him and said, "Oh sure, you're going to let him watch a bunch of people die, but let's go crazy about the sex scenes." Well, to tell you the truth, I am not a big fan of censorship. In fact, I don't believe in it AT ALL. Why shield children from the harsh realities of life? What good comes from that? They SHOULD know there are bad people out there. They SHOULD see the atrocities in the news. And yes, the occasional boobie shot probably won't hurt him too badly. I JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO SEE NUDITY IN MY PRESENCE. Because it's weird. Creepy weird. Like last week when I walked in on him eyeing a Girls Gone Wild commercial a little too attentively.

And my Kade, being the wonderful son that he is, knew of my discomfort and thankfully shielded his eyes. Phew. Now, let's move on to the chainsaw. There were a few times when I saw him hide his head under the covers, but he pretty much got through the movie alright. It was during the credits that my Chris decided to pipe up and say, "And you know that based on real events."

"What?!" Kade shreiked.

"No, no no, it's not. Well, yes, it is," I stammered, trying to calm him down, "But really, it's based on this guy, Ed Gein. But they caught him a long, long time ago. He's dead now. It's okay."

Then I sat him down, we watched the making of it, basically debunking the whole movie. He was fine with this. It worked well. He went to sleep that night without any problems. But the next night after putting him to bed, I decided to try out this new face buffer I just bought. So I dipped the brush into the face cream, turned it on, this loud buzzing noise came out of it. The next thing I knew, I heard a yelp and saw a whiz fly past me to run down the stairs to the safety of his father... I told him not to watch that movie. Then again, it's a relief to know that maybe, he's not so grown up after all.