Dear Santa,
I have been a very good girl this year. I have only threatened decapitation once, threatened to kick a spleen out three times and threatened mutilation to an eyeball twice. I did carry out one castration, but you and I can both agree that that guy totally deserved it. He should not be contributing to the gene pool, anyway. So one could say that I have been pretty darn good.
I did cuss a lot. However, if no one ever cussed, those cuss words would start to feel lonely and neglected. So, in a way, I am really doing my best to spread the love, so that those cuss words feel as important as normal words. And we all know that it's good to never leave anyone out.
My son has not been tardy once, nor have I been late picking him up. Unless, you count that one time when I locked myself out of my house and car, but that totally wasn't my fault. It's God's fault for making my legs short, therefore not letting me get to school on time by walking. You should take that one up with Him.
I did forget to do laundry a couple of times, but come on now, those zombies aren't going to kill themselves. If you want something done, you might as well do it yourself. Which is why, there are currently no zombies walking the streets of my town. One could say, I am quite the hero. Who would remember the laundry, when we are celebrating the fact that my town is not overrun with zombies?!
I would also like to point out the fact that when that one guy cut me off, I did not smash him with the truck, then proceed to beat him within an inch of his life. No, I didn't. Instead, I smiled and waved at the cop who passed me, in order to pull him over. I am such a good person. And this is why you should make sure to get me that gaming chair. Don't bother trying to get it down the chimney, because I don't want soot all over the velvet exterior. Just avoid the black dog and leave it by the back door. Or better yet, leave it in front of the tv, because that's where it's going, anyway. And just so we're clear, it's the black and red velvet gaming chair that is on sale right NOW at a certain store I tend to frequent. If you hurry, you'll be able to buy me the last one, which I've hidden in the back room next to the loading dock.
With all my love,
Ari
P.S. Don't forget my stocking, either.
I did cuss a lot. However, if no one ever cussed, those cuss words would start to feel lonely and neglected. So, in a way, I am really doing my best to spread the love, so that those cuss words feel as important as normal words. And we all know that it's good to never leave anyone out.
My son has not been tardy once, nor have I been late picking him up. Unless, you count that one time when I locked myself out of my house and car, but that totally wasn't my fault. It's God's fault for making my legs short, therefore not letting me get to school on time by walking. You should take that one up with Him.
I did forget to do laundry a couple of times, but come on now, those zombies aren't going to kill themselves. If you want something done, you might as well do it yourself. Which is why, there are currently no zombies walking the streets of my town. One could say, I am quite the hero. Who would remember the laundry, when we are celebrating the fact that my town is not overrun with zombies?!
I would also like to point out the fact that when that one guy cut me off, I did not smash him with the truck, then proceed to beat him within an inch of his life. No, I didn't. Instead, I smiled and waved at the cop who passed me, in order to pull him over. I am such a good person. And this is why you should make sure to get me that gaming chair. Don't bother trying to get it down the chimney, because I don't want soot all over the velvet exterior. Just avoid the black dog and leave it by the back door. Or better yet, leave it in front of the tv, because that's where it's going, anyway. And just so we're clear, it's the black and red velvet gaming chair that is on sale right NOW at a certain store I tend to frequent. If you hurry, you'll be able to buy me the last one, which I've hidden in the back room next to the loading dock.
With all my love,
Ari
P.S. Don't forget my stocking, either.
posted by Ari at 5:47 PM
6 Comments:
Being an even better behaved little girl than you this year I put in a good word and I am hopeful its ood news for chairs and Aris, less good news for sucky people. Game on it seems!
LOL I love your Santa letter!! He should bring you lots of nice things!!!
You're too cute!
Nice to be back in blog land again!
Have a great day or Holiday if I don't get back to you before.
hugs
I have been a very good girl this year. I have only threatened decapitation once, threatened to kick a spleen out three times and threatened mutilation to an eyeball twice.
Ari
Last Year, how many times did you threaten decapitation, to kick a spleen out and threaten mutilation on people?
LMAO
Nice letter. I love the defense of cussing!
i love it.
this is the perfect letter to santa, ari!
♥
Cumin, Pepper, Thyme, Rosemary, and Salt say "Hello"!
(Seasons' Greetings)
You may have only THREATENED decapitation once, but you didn't give two other people a warning or threat.....you just hauled off and whacked their domes off. But hell, they deserved it. Santa should cut you some slack!
Chris
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