This Shit Only Happens To Me, I Swear

My Chris comes home, bares his chest and declares that he is going to mow the lawn. Ya know, to get a suntan and all that. There are easier ways to get a suntan, but he's a definite multitasker. And I am lazy. He begins mowing the lawn, while I decide to be a smartass. My plan is to go sit in the hammock while he mows the lawn. It is the easiest way to irritate him for sure.

The thing that I am not thinking about is the fact that we never did bring that hammock in for the winter. All winter long, it sat in the cold and rain, the rope becoming tired and worn. I sit down lazily smiling to myself. Truth be told, I actually do get in a few good swings before I hear, RRRRRIIIIIIIIIP!

"Oh shit."

I look up to see a hole just above where my head is. My first thought is: Damn, he's gonna be pissed. My second thought is: Oh holy hell, it's still ripping. I squirm, trying to wrangle myself out of the ropes, but they only seem to keep me in. At this point, my feet and head are high in the air, while my ass drags, barely brushing the ground with each gentle sway. This is about the time where I start giggling, because I can only imagine what the neighbors think.

I realize that I can't make it up on my own, so I signal to Chris. The problem is that he is on the other side of the lawn with the lawnmower muting any sound I make. So my ass sits there for about five minutes while he works his way over to me. The entire time, my ass sinks further and further to the ground. By the time he pushes the mower past me, he only sees my fingers and toes wriggling. He thinks to himself: Now, that doesn't look right. He stops the mower and casually strolls over to have a look. His hands rest on his hips as he looks down on me.

"What are you doing?"

What am I doing? Oh well, that can be answered simply. I merely wanted to check the courseness of the pavement on my ass. Surely this is the best way to achieve that. What am I doing?! Hello!

"Help me, Chris, I've fallen and I can't get up," I gasp in between laughter.

"Only you can get stuck in a hammock," he replies.