Mother Goose, Rest in Peace

All right, let's see how much ya'll remember from your youth. Remember Miss Mary Mack? All dressed in black... with silver buttons, all down her back. She asked her mother for fifty cents to see the elephants jump over the fence. She jumped so high, she touched the sky. And she didn't come back 'til the fourth of July. THAT Miss Mary Mack. Remember? Tell me I'm not the only one.

What about Miss Susie? Do ya'll remember her?

Miss Susie had a steamboat
the steamboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven
the steamboat went to
Hello operator
please give me number nine
and if you disconnect me
I'll kick you from behind
the 'frigerator there was a piece of glass
Miss Susie fell upon it
and broke her little
ask me no more questions
tell me no more lies
the boys are in the bathroom
playing with their
flies are in the city
the bees are in the park
the boys and girls are kissing
in the D - A - R - K, D - A - R - K, D - A - R - K
DARK!

And if anyone tried a "yo momma" comment on ya, you could just reply:

Yo momma, yo daddy, yo sista, yo granny
got a hole in her fanny like frankenstien
going "beep beep beep" down Sesame street. Oh yeah.

You just can't say those types of things to people anymore. I think we should bring these out of our past and start them up again now that we are adults. Is there a guy that won't stop asking you out no matter how much you tell him no? Whip out U G L Y, you can't got no alibi, you ugly yeah yeah, you ugly!

Say something the exact same time as someone else? It's not coincidence, it's jinx! You owe me a coke! The king of France, wet his pants, in front of the boogey dance, Yodel ay he hoo, Yodel ay he hoo, ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni ni, HUH!

I'm just saying. I think this would make the world a better place if we could all go back to the wonders of childhood ramblings. Those were the best anyway. You could write an award winning novel and it's not even going to compare to the little songs you made up when you were eight. It's the truth, man. It just is.

And chances are that even before we started making up all these little rhymes to say when jumping rope or clapping hands, our parents were making our cute little toddler butts spout off nursery rhymes. And we would, we would so totally spout this shit off like gospel. If grown ups even had the audacity to start talking about current events, we would interupt with the "Itsy bitsy spider" counter argument. And they would listen, because hey we were adorable saying it. Think about it. How easy it would be. Ya know? If you had a coworker that always took off early, you could be all "Hickordy Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck one and down he run, hickordy dickory dock." That makes total sense. Seriously.

Then there were the more advanced and multi-cultured kids that would take it a notch higher and start singing rhymes in other languages. You know what I'm talking about. There was always the "Frere Jacques" kid. Dormez vous?! Say this shit in english, geek! And he would, just to make the rest of us other kids feel dumb. Damn.

Life was much easier back then, I think. You could just ramble gibberish and people listened attentively, hanging on every word you said, because hey, you were cute! It's much harder now. If you say half this stuff, you'll have someone eyeing a straight jacket. Looney bin, here we come!

Ah well, it was good while it lasted.