Ari in Sugarland
All right. There is some weird shit afoot here. I told my best friend Char that I was going to do an entry on my ass -- low and behold! Omar does an entry on butts. Oh man! Now it looks like I'm copying! I'm not, totally not. I'm telling ya, it's some weird psychic connection freaky shit. Must be butt day or something.
Sit down, let's talk about my ass. Oh I should probably mention (you've probably noticed) that when speaking about my posterier, I tend to cuss a lot. I think this is a common trait among women. I can't help it. It's in our genes.
I recently commented in a friend's blog that I saw my butt in the freezer door at the frozen section of a grocery store and started admiring it. Bubblicious came to mind. But now that I've had time to sit and revisit the memory of seeing my own ass, I've come to realize that it's gotten bigger. Not just a little bigger. It's bubbled out. I'm starting to have nightmarish visions.
It's just the shock of it all. One minute my ass is normal and the next it looks like I got balloon implants in there or something. It doesn't help that I've been wearing these form-fitting workout pants. They hug the butt. They love the butt. They accentuate the butt. Which is all fine and dandy unless you have the impossible growing ass of all time, like me. This is the time when you DON'T want your ass accentuated.
I mean the growth rate is astounding. If it keeps growing at this rate, there will be Russian men up in space looking through telescopes, having this conversation:
"What is that? The Great Wall of China?" - Spaceman 1
"No no, that's just Ari's ass. Man that thing got big." - Spaceman 2
See what I'm saying? It's just not right. Here I am in my house, minding my own business while my ass is plotting evil take-over plans. It's like some perverted version of Alice in Wonderland, only instead of all of my body growing and breaking out of the house, it's just my ass ballooning up and breaking out windows. I'd be mooning people from all sides of my house. Not right. I'm telling ya. I only ate one cookie! I don't even like cookies! Which cookie is the ass-shrinker cookie? Why can't I find one of those?!
I'm trying to make fun of my butt. I figure eventually it will get sick of me and go away.
Oh well. It could be worse. I could be Bill Schreiner, the biggest ass of all time. Let's thank goodness I'm not and call it a day.
Sit down, let's talk about my ass. Oh I should probably mention (you've probably noticed) that when speaking about my posterier, I tend to cuss a lot. I think this is a common trait among women. I can't help it. It's in our genes.
I recently commented in a friend's blog that I saw my butt in the freezer door at the frozen section of a grocery store and started admiring it. Bubblicious came to mind. But now that I've had time to sit and revisit the memory of seeing my own ass, I've come to realize that it's gotten bigger. Not just a little bigger. It's bubbled out. I'm starting to have nightmarish visions.
It's just the shock of it all. One minute my ass is normal and the next it looks like I got balloon implants in there or something. It doesn't help that I've been wearing these form-fitting workout pants. They hug the butt. They love the butt. They accentuate the butt. Which is all fine and dandy unless you have the impossible growing ass of all time, like me. This is the time when you DON'T want your ass accentuated.
I mean the growth rate is astounding. If it keeps growing at this rate, there will be Russian men up in space looking through telescopes, having this conversation:
"What is that? The Great Wall of China?" - Spaceman 1
"No no, that's just Ari's ass. Man that thing got big." - Spaceman 2
See what I'm saying? It's just not right. Here I am in my house, minding my own business while my ass is plotting evil take-over plans. It's like some perverted version of Alice in Wonderland, only instead of all of my body growing and breaking out of the house, it's just my ass ballooning up and breaking out windows. I'd be mooning people from all sides of my house. Not right. I'm telling ya. I only ate one cookie! I don't even like cookies! Which cookie is the ass-shrinker cookie? Why can't I find one of those?!
I'm trying to make fun of my butt. I figure eventually it will get sick of me and go away.
Oh well. It could be worse. I could be Bill Schreiner, the biggest ass of all time. Let's thank goodness I'm not and call it a day.
posted by Ari at 10:31 AM
7 Comments:
Not to mention when the bomb disposal experts come round after chilli night. 'Holy crap, she's gonna blow!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
hehehehehe, I luff teh Ari ass, its assalicious
Bowing before you, oh funny one! I offer gifts of......what else? Pork Butt!
You wrote a cruelly funny entry! So many great quotes and the perfect ending! You rock!!!!
Chris
My Blog
AOL Journal
Click here for recipes & food stuff
What a coincidence, I do an entry on the essence of the body, Omar does one on his ass, you wanted to and now do an entry on your butt, my friend dreamed she was inside her friend’s body trying to catch all the atoms in order to save her, and another woman in our class work shopped a poem using an extended metaphor of walls as her body. Afterwards, my friend and I discussed the concept of collective consciousness. We may be experiencing that collective consciousness right now.
There are theories that people acquire ancestral traumas intrauterine, such as slavery, the Holocaust, the Irish Famine. If that theory can be sold, then I think we can sell the theory of a collective conscious.
Now I shall go back and read pass the first few lines of this entry before I start with my blah blah blah....
It's all journal osmosis. vulcan mind melds all over the place.
All I gotta say is I'm shocked I don't have a serious case of secretary's booty. I sit and type all day at work, then I sit and type on my journal...I sit and look at your pretty journal...
I do have "back", mind you. I'm trying to do my "yearly work-outs" in order to combat the holiday poundage. But my ass? I dunno. Personally, I've been wanting to do an entry on my boobs, but it could easily turn into TMI. You're not gonna steal THAT one now, are ya? I better get crackin'. :)
xo Kris
What, no pictures?
LOL! LOL!!!! thanks goodness.. I thought it was just me on this misery! I just so needed to know someone else is noticing the "butt that came from nowhere" it too!
LOL!
Gem :-D
Post a Comment
<< Home