Ho Freakin' Ho

I did not send out Christmas cards this year. I am a month behind on sending out the birthday cards for the month of December for my church. I did not get to shop for my son. My Chris bought his presents. I, on the other hand, was working my tail off, including two 12 hour days back to back.

Hello, My name is Ari and I'm about to lose my sanity. No, I do not know where anything is. No, I do not know the prices. I'm fairly sure I missed at least one of my breaks each day. I've cried over pull lists and I've sulked over cycle counts. Welcome to the clusterfuck that is backstock. I cannot do anymore. I am now taking these next two days off, where I shall do nothing except tend to my wounded toe, whose nail is threatening to come right off. Somehow, I shall just have to manage with the blisters. I never did like these feet anyway.

I am positive that it was a nervous breakdown earlier this week. But thanks to two special people, I managed to drudge through it. And I am very thankful. If it weren't for those two, I know that had one of the managers said ANYTHING to me, I'd have lost my job. We all know my temper. And yet, as I left to go home, I walked passed one of the managers, whose eyes were red and I knew, she was about to breakdown, too. I patted her arm, gave her nod to let her know I knew what she was going through.

The thing is that I really do enjoy this job. Even if it is a complete and utter bastard at times. Anyway, bear with me if your present is late. Bear with me if I seem vacant. Even though I am here about to celebrate the holidays, in my mind, I am on a tropical beach somewhere enjoying the breeze.

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl this year. I have only threatened decapitation once, threatened to kick a spleen out three times and threatened mutilation to an eyeball twice. I did carry out one castration, but you and I can both agree that that guy totally deserved it. He should not be contributing to the gene pool, anyway. So one could say that I have been pretty darn good.

I did cuss a lot. However, if no one ever cussed, those cuss words would start to feel lonely and neglected. So, in a way, I am really doing my best to spread the love, so that those cuss words feel as important as normal words. And we all know that it's good to never leave anyone out.

My son has not been tardy once, nor have I been late picking him up. Unless, you count that one time when I locked myself out of my house and car, but that totally wasn't my fault. It's God's fault for making my legs short, therefore not letting me get to school on time by walking. You should take that one up with Him.

I did forget to do laundry a couple of times, but come on now, those zombies aren't going to kill themselves. If you want something done, you might as well do it yourself. Which is why, there are currently no zombies walking the streets of my town. One could say, I am quite the hero. Who would remember the laundry, when we are celebrating the fact that my town is not overrun with zombies?!

I would also like to point out the fact that when that one guy cut me off, I did not smash him with the truck, then proceed to beat him within an inch of his life. No, I didn't. Instead, I smiled and waved at the cop who passed me, in order to pull him over. I am such a good person. And this is why you should make sure to get me that gaming chair. Don't bother trying to get it down the chimney, because I don't want soot all over the velvet exterior. Just avoid the black dog and leave it by the back door. Or better yet, leave it in front of the tv, because that's where it's going, anyway. And just so we're clear, it's the black and red velvet gaming chair that is on sale right NOW at a certain store I tend to frequent. If you hurry, you'll be able to buy me the last one, which I've hidden in the back room next to the loading dock.

With all my love,
Ari

P.S. Don't forget my stocking, either.

Adventures of Ari

Chapter Two: The Master and the Apprentice

This morning found me warping down a path at breakneck speed in order to find facility that would begin my training. I expected a Kung Fu warrior to greet me, then test me at every turn to be sure that I am capable. And I am, you know. I am capable. But alas, I was met with a group of counterparts that eyed me suspiciously, as I was dressed in the same uniform as they. A shy, soft-spoken woman welcomed me in. I learned she was to be the one to train me.

Now, of all the teachers or masters in this universe, I had not expected to find one so... pleasant. She swiftly, yet softly guided me through. I can say with all confidence, that I have the hearing of a ninety year old woman, so there were constant interruptions from me that went something like, "What? Say that again. Huh? What did you say?" Not once did she break. Oh, this one was quite the patient one.

And so it began. I would break her. It was a game really. She would wait with limitless patience as I took the "gun" with the laser and aimed it at various things. She didn't even bat an eyelash when I "zapped" a few things that weren't supposed to be zapped. She never broke form. I messed with the gun, while she explained that I needn't hold it so close to an object in order to hit it. I disagreed. Unfortunately, she was right, so I amused myself by zapping far away objects. After awhile, the "gun" began to show signs of use, it grew tired of me and quit working. I looked at her to get angry, but all she said was, "That's all right. We can do it all manually."

"Manually?! Pffft, that sounds like work!" I baited.

She countered me with a blank smile. Nothing worked and I began to grow frustrated. Finally at lunch, I decided to stick with my tried and true form and threw a joke into the room. I watched as the joke wafted around before settling square on her shoulders. Then it happened, she suddenly began smiling. Before I knew it, she began laughing uproariously.

"See? I bet you thought today would be a drag," I said.

"Actually, it's going by really fast," she said.

"Yeah, before you know it, I'll be out of here and then you'll be stuck with no one to talk to about abs of steel."

This brought on another round of laughter. I consider that one overtime. Oh yeah, my job here is done.

Adventures of Ari

Chapter One: The Rise of the Reject

It could be said that I have been missing for two weeks. Only Lord knows where I have been, who I have seen. Well, the Lord and those who have been there when I have seen them, if that makes any sense at all. But I haven't forgotten all those that have read my words, been there through my butt woes and my pinkalicious phase. Nay, I haven't forgotten. So, where have I been? Let me tell you, oh yes, let me tell you all...

And so, our wondrous beautiful goddess-like heroine (that would be me) found herself between a rock and a hard place. You see, the kick-ass reject of society in me would like to tell people what I think of them straight up, but the soft inner core of my being says that I should just let them be. In the end, the reject won -- it wasn't a fair fight, really, as the reject tricked the soft inner core into looking the other way before kicking its butt. You know how it goes.

Now, let me just say that for the most part I like people to be who they are. I really do. Unless they are completely idiotic fools who have no grasp of what it is like to walk in another person's shoes. In this case, I find that these idiotic fools need to be taken down a peg or two or ten. And so, when the lady wouldn't shut up or let me get a word in edge-wise, I finally snapped a bit and said, "MA'AM. I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, WE JUST CAN'T DO THAT." I was a bit loud. I'm pretty sure an irritated expression exploded across my face. After I slammed the phone down, the long line of people that were awaiting the end to that particular phone call cheered and giggled and said, "Man, I feel for you." And I, being the goddess that I am, projected a telepathic thought to all of them: YOU ARE ALL NOW MY MINIONS. But somehow, it came out as, "Hehehe, have a nice day!" I'm starting to think my evil side is none other than that of a giggly japanese cartoon character. (Can I at least get one of those permanent tear drops that display whenever a japanese cartoon is worried or scared? Please?)

This whole taking over the world thing would go so much easier if people would just get the hell out of my way. So, I thought to myself, "How can I make this ascension go much faster?" The answer was simple, really. I got myself promoted. But it's me, we're talking about. So, as luck would have it, I somehow stole a job right out from under the more senior employees at my job, all the while managing to change my schedule to hours that only roosters and bluebirds keep, at that same time managing to NOT get a pay raise. God, I am good. Fear me.

The truth is that I don't care about money. I can afford to not care about money, because I am spoiled and selfish. I get everything I want, anyway. The real reason I do so well is because I love when people adore me. If I think that my actions could make me the apple of someone's eye, I will do it. I love to be be adored. I'm pretty sure this is why old people love me. And that's okay, because I love them, too. We have a common bond, we do. They are old, so they can get away with almost anything. And I am me, so I can, too.