This Apple Fell And Rolled Away From The Tree

Hi, my name is Ari and my husband is a family tree addict. That is, he is addicted to geneology. Usually, if there were a riddle or puzzle to be solved, Kade and I would be right on that. But my Chris, having been tasked with the ever-challenging question of "who are my great grandparents and their parents?", has devoted every effort to answer this question. It's a weird question. Most people know their family. My family is riddled with secrets and "Oh, we don't talk about that" nonsense.

He has searched almost every record. And he is figuring out my family tree, slowly, but it takes hours and hours. And even then, we just aren't sure. When you have a stubborn family that fights with each other enough to make one change their surname, it gets complicated. Also, in my family, no one calls each other by their real name. So the woman that I lovingly called "Aunt Polly" will never be found on any record as that name. Her real name was Radine or something weird like that. How do you get Polly out of that?! That and the fact that a few them went crazy at the end. When they told crazy deathbed stories, are you supposed to believe them? I mean, hairspray-drinking crazy people. I am not even lieing; I will never forget that 'til the day I die. One of them sprayed hairspray into the hairspray cap and drank it like it was orange juice. I am pretty sure that one was schizophrenic, but still. That's an odd sight for a ten year old Ari.

My Chris is spending hours upon hours searching census records and looking up headstones. At some point, I think every person in my family gave up on that. I don't have a family tree, I have a maze of vines. You ain't cutting through that. Unless you are my Chris. Who has somehow gotten my tree back to the 1700's. I think he missed his calling. I really think he should have been a detective.

So, he starts doing his own family tree. Heh. Oh, I have never seen some of these names before. Novazerula. That was a first name! Her last name was Smith! Sounds more like a place to me. "Come enjoy the vast breathtaking scenery of Novazerula on your next vacation!" Hehehe. Oh me. I wonder what my greatgrandchildren will think if they ever try to look me up on the family tree. "She was a gun-toting video game addict who enjoyed screaming at her bosses and long walks on the beach..."

If I Won The Lotto

• I would pay off all my debt.
• I would buy a house in North Carolina with a bowling alley installed for my son (who sucks at it, bless his heart).
• I would give homeless people money.
• I would send my Mom and Stepdad on a cruise.
• I would buy my husband his own muddy hilly, cliffy land where he may off-road as much as he would like. The trees would be padded, of course.
• I would build myself a gaming room, completely black with an entire wall that would be nothing but a television (it's MY money) and only a seat in the center of the room. This seat would be customized to my ass, so that no one else may sit there. The walls would be speakers. Also, there would be a button on the armchair of the seat that would call someone to bring me a Mt. Dew, so that I would not become too dehydrated.
• I've really thought all this out.
• I would be the best tipper ever.
• I would have a dog trainer come to train my dogs that they DO NOT HAVE to sit on my lap everytime they come into the living room. Sasha weighs 80 lbs! Lardo! I can't even see the tv.
• I would totally have a maid. Er, no, I'd have a whole crew. And they would only clean one day a week, but they'd have to clean it ALL. Then, get out, because I hate having people at my house. But I would let them have bowling breaks. And feed them with calzone parties. I'd be a hoot to work for.
• I would learn to enjoy a lollipop, because I am not a patient person.
• Taco Bell would learn to deliver to my house, even if I didn't order anything. Because if someone showed up at my door with a chalupa, I don't care, I ain't turning that down.
• I would buy a production company, but none of my movies will have any of the following: Julia Roberts, Susan Surandon, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Steven Seagal, Cameron Diaz, George Clooney or Demi Moore, because they annoy me. My movies will have at least a cameo of Christopher Walken, because he should be in every movie, Sean Connery (or his voice at least), Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, and Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Ving Rhames and Mark Wahlberg. I don't why, but he has a boyish innocence to him, that Mark.
• If I broke a glass baking dish on the stove, because I set it on the wrong burner, who cares? I could easily buy a new one. Or five, because they break a lot in my house.
• Work clothes would be a thing of the past.
• Sasha would have a cow hoof every week. She can eat one in five minutes, but if I gave her one every day, man I'd never be able to breathe when she sat on me. Angel does not get a cow hoof, given that it is bigger than she is. But I would pay that dog trainer to go through the Kibbles 'n Bits to pick out all the chicken pieces for her, since those are the only ones she will eat.
• And you think I'm spoiled?
• Kade would get new Tony Hawk socks every single day, since he manages to put a hole in them EVERY SINGLE DAY.
• I would pay someone to punch Julia Roberts. I know that's not nice and I shouldn't be like that, but her ego is amazing and she has it coming. Either that or Barbara Streisand. I don't like her either.
• Oh and Christian Bale! He so needs sucker-punched!
• I would pay someone to punch me, too. Not because I don't like myself, but I want to know if I will be quick enough to dodge that shit. Ya know, keep up on the reflexes and all that jazz.
• Remember, I am a perfect shot.
• And lastly, I would randomly call people just to see if I could make them laugh. I hate people, but maybe they wouldn't be so bad if they'd just laugh once in awhile.
• None of this will ever happen. Even on the rare chance that I get a Lotto ticket, I always forget to check the numbers. So I've probably already won and never even known it.