If I Won The Lotto

• I would pay off all my debt.
• I would buy a house in North Carolina with a bowling alley installed for my son (who sucks at it, bless his heart).
• I would give homeless people money.
• I would send my Mom and Stepdad on a cruise.
• I would buy my husband his own muddy hilly, cliffy land where he may off-road as much as he would like. The trees would be padded, of course.
• I would build myself a gaming room, completely black with an entire wall that would be nothing but a television (it's MY money) and only a seat in the center of the room. This seat would be customized to my ass, so that no one else may sit there. The walls would be speakers. Also, there would be a button on the armchair of the seat that would call someone to bring me a Mt. Dew, so that I would not become too dehydrated.
• I've really thought all this out.
• I would be the best tipper ever.
• I would have a dog trainer come to train my dogs that they DO NOT HAVE to sit on my lap everytime they come into the living room. Sasha weighs 80 lbs! Lardo! I can't even see the tv.
• I would totally have a maid. Er, no, I'd have a whole crew. And they would only clean one day a week, but they'd have to clean it ALL. Then, get out, because I hate having people at my house. But I would let them have bowling breaks. And feed them with calzone parties. I'd be a hoot to work for.
• I would learn to enjoy a lollipop, because I am not a patient person.
• Taco Bell would learn to deliver to my house, even if I didn't order anything. Because if someone showed up at my door with a chalupa, I don't care, I ain't turning that down.
• I would buy a production company, but none of my movies will have any of the following: Julia Roberts, Susan Surandon, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Steven Seagal, Cameron Diaz, George Clooney or Demi Moore, because they annoy me. My movies will have at least a cameo of Christopher Walken, because he should be in every movie, Sean Connery (or his voice at least), Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, and Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Ving Rhames and Mark Wahlberg. I don't why, but he has a boyish innocence to him, that Mark.
• If I broke a glass baking dish on the stove, because I set it on the wrong burner, who cares? I could easily buy a new one. Or five, because they break a lot in my house.
• Work clothes would be a thing of the past.
• Sasha would have a cow hoof every week. She can eat one in five minutes, but if I gave her one every day, man I'd never be able to breathe when she sat on me. Angel does not get a cow hoof, given that it is bigger than she is. But I would pay that dog trainer to go through the Kibbles 'n Bits to pick out all the chicken pieces for her, since those are the only ones she will eat.
• And you think I'm spoiled?
• Kade would get new Tony Hawk socks every single day, since he manages to put a hole in them EVERY SINGLE DAY.
• I would pay someone to punch Julia Roberts. I know that's not nice and I shouldn't be like that, but her ego is amazing and she has it coming. Either that or Barbara Streisand. I don't like her either.
• Oh and Christian Bale! He so needs sucker-punched!
• I would pay someone to punch me, too. Not because I don't like myself, but I want to know if I will be quick enough to dodge that shit. Ya know, keep up on the reflexes and all that jazz.
• Remember, I am a perfect shot.
• And lastly, I would randomly call people just to see if I could make them laugh. I hate people, but maybe they wouldn't be so bad if they'd just laugh once in awhile.
• None of this will ever happen. Even on the rare chance that I get a Lotto ticket, I always forget to check the numbers. So I've probably already won and never even known it.