Waiting To Yelp

I must be in a whiny mood here lately. I don't know. In an effort to try and scare myself, I tried to do a search on the scariest movies of all time. The result was the normal drivel with random viewers hailing movies like The Shining, Psycho and The Exorcist as greatest of all time. I'm sorry, but no.

I'm pretty sure that "Here's Johnny" was supposed to be a comedic line. And if it wasn't, I'm sorry, but I laughed even at eight years old when I first saw it. And Linda Blair's head spinning, then vomitting pea soup? How is that not funny? It's hilarious. Pscyho, Norman Bates, his mother, the shower scene...all iconic images from the past. But they never scared me once. They are great movies, don't get me wrong. They're just not scary. I am not hiding under the covers for fear that Linda Blair or Jack Nicholson are gonna come get me. It won't happen.

My husband refuses to go into the ocean (despite being a Navy vet of thirty years) because of a deep seeded fear of sharks, thanks to Peter Benchley and Jaws. I don't know about you, but as a kid I rooted for the shark. Not scary. If anything, it's more fascinating for me, but I was the girl that looked forward (and still does) to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

Michael Myers? Boring and slow. Freddy Kreuger? Yeah, scary when I was a kid, but not so much now. Jason Voorhies? Overdone to the point that he's just a big mass of hulking ... flesh with a hockey mask. Not scary. Pinhead from Hellraiser? Interesting, but no. Scream? Pfft, whatever.

Now there are scary movies that got it right. I did hide under my covers thinking Freddy Kreuger would come get me. It did scare me. I remember the hair standing up on the back of my neck when I first saw that movie. I remember my heart pounding. It doesn't happen when I watch the movie now, mostly because I am grown. But it's still a favorite in my heart of hearts, because I can remember the fear I had.

I used to position my body in front of the tv, so that I lied parallel to the set with my hand supporting my head. There was a movie that came out called "Xtro". That birthing scene made me back away from the television until I made it to the couch to watch from there. I think that scene would still hold up as truly disturbing. I haven't seen the movie in over twenty-five years (give or take) and that scene has stuck with me the whole time, even though I only saw it once. That's when you know it's bad.

The original The Hills Have Eyes was another movie I watched. Funny thing about this one, I didn't know what I was going to watch when I pulled the vhs tape out of the back of the entertainment center. Somehow, it had gotten pushed all the way to the back so that no one had ever really watched it. I had never heard of it, so I put it in the vcr and bam. About forty-five minutes into it, I was more than wee bit uncomfortable. That might be a bit much for a child to see. The remake just does not do it justice. The original is way more horrifying. It's the same with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Still scary to this day.

I have seen foreign horror. Usually they move at a much slower pace. I don't mind this, but sometimes the pay off isn't worth it. I won't be scared until you give me something to be scared of. It's just that simple. Anyway, I think I have given up on horror. Nothing I have seen lately has scared me the way it used to when I was little. I guess when you grow up, you lose that innocence and naivety.

I will say that although not scary at all, Shutter Island was a really fun movie to watch. I enjoyed it, even if I guessed the plotline twenty minutes into it. Maybe I'll just keep trying and eventually Hollywood will get it right and produce something ORIGINAL and truly horrifying enough to keep me awake at night thinking about it. Until then, I'll stick to the horror game genre.

Somebody's Messing With The Gene Pool

Recently, I used the word "facetious" to my coworkers. They all gave me a strange look, then one of them had a realization. "Oh, she's speaking french, again," they said. Sometimes, I have to wonder if I belong at this job.

Someone asked me for a wireless cable this week. Uh, yeah.

Playing family feud, the question is: "What is living in your home that doesn't pay rent?" I tried mother, father, sibling... no none of those were on there. Four people actually had the audacity to say mold. Really? Is mold that big of a problem that you would include that over your mother?

I realize I'm an idiot for even watching this show, but I just cannot help myself. Why is Olivia Palermo even still employed at Elle? I mean, really. She does nothing. She contributes nothing. She is snooty as can be. She's not that cute and she really needs to eat something. Maybe that's why she has such an acidic personality. I sincerely hope she never breeds or reproduces asexually. I have a feeling one day, she just might divide in two and then we are all doomed.

It's one thing when you are texting and you use emoticons or textspeak. It's another when you are actually speaking, using your mouth and throat to produce sounds. Do not actually say "OMG or LOL". It makes you sound ridiculous. Especially when you say, "ROFLMAO." Sigh. Is it possible for humans to de-evolve? I submit that it is. The neanderthal is making a comeback.

Lattice multiplication is not real multiplication and should never be taught to our children. It's a lazy man's way of getting the right answer, but somewhere along the line, children will need to be taught the correct way to multiply double and triple digits. I do NOT go along with the thought that "As long as they got the right answer, it doesn't matter how they produced it." YES IT DOES!!!

Memo to Lady Gaga: You are not Madonna. Why would you even want to be? Knock it off.