Volatile
I never said I had an even temper. I know I can be quite mean and explosive when provoked, it's just that I have learned over the years to control such things. There are times to be angry and times to just let it go. I get annoyed quite often; people mistake this for anger. It's not. You would know if you'd angered me. I'd really like to say I don't believe in hitting people. I'd like to say that, but if you saw the images that play through my mind, half the world would've been sucker-punched by now. I don't DO it, just imagine it.
But the other day, I was THIS close. It scared the hell out of me. Often, people will annoy me, so I envision them as a weeble wobble type of toy that I punch a few times. This makes me smile, annoyance forgotten, I move on. But this chick at work... she just triggered something. It wasn't even a big deal, almost petty. But the way she spoke to me, shoving me out of the way... I almost lost it. I stood there for a few minutes, feeling the heat rise up from toes to the top of my head. I saw my fist reel back and fly forward, punching her square in nose. I saw her fly back to the ground, blood pouring out of a huge gash in her nose. I saw all this in my head, I didn't do it. And although there was a certain satisfaction of seeing her brought down, the anger didn't leave. No, this was true anger. I had to remove myself from the situation, because my fist did start clenching at my side.
So I walked to the back calmly. Made myself drink some water. Stood for a few minutes. Walked back to the front, where she was. I called her over and made clear in no uncertain terms that she was never to speak to me that way again. She started to bicker, but I growled her name and she backed down. Two of my bosses came over, saw my expression when I glared their way and decided it was best to take my side. But the anger still did not go away.
A few people walked by and I gave them my sunniest smile. I even complimented a few people, forcing myself to be the sweetest angel ever. The entire day, people noted how friendly I seemed. If they only knew.
I'm not sure what part of her gesture or actions triggered this. I don't know why I became SO angry. Sure, she was in the wrong. After all, at the time, I had been trying to help her. But to become so angry that I could barely control myself? Ugh, weak and unforgivable. In the end, the person I'm most angry with is myself for allowing her to get to me.
But the other day, I was THIS close. It scared the hell out of me. Often, people will annoy me, so I envision them as a weeble wobble type of toy that I punch a few times. This makes me smile, annoyance forgotten, I move on. But this chick at work... she just triggered something. It wasn't even a big deal, almost petty. But the way she spoke to me, shoving me out of the way... I almost lost it. I stood there for a few minutes, feeling the heat rise up from toes to the top of my head. I saw my fist reel back and fly forward, punching her square in nose. I saw her fly back to the ground, blood pouring out of a huge gash in her nose. I saw all this in my head, I didn't do it. And although there was a certain satisfaction of seeing her brought down, the anger didn't leave. No, this was true anger. I had to remove myself from the situation, because my fist did start clenching at my side.
So I walked to the back calmly. Made myself drink some water. Stood for a few minutes. Walked back to the front, where she was. I called her over and made clear in no uncertain terms that she was never to speak to me that way again. She started to bicker, but I growled her name and she backed down. Two of my bosses came over, saw my expression when I glared their way and decided it was best to take my side. But the anger still did not go away.
A few people walked by and I gave them my sunniest smile. I even complimented a few people, forcing myself to be the sweetest angel ever. The entire day, people noted how friendly I seemed. If they only knew.
I'm not sure what part of her gesture or actions triggered this. I don't know why I became SO angry. Sure, she was in the wrong. After all, at the time, I had been trying to help her. But to become so angry that I could barely control myself? Ugh, weak and unforgivable. In the end, the person I'm most angry with is myself for allowing her to get to me.
posted by Ari at 2:02 PM
2 Comments:
I loved your use of "creative visualization". You should train with your bro in martial arts!
You know I just might have to use your idea of people as weeble wobbles. that made me smile.
I'm not even tempered either. I have been trying to control my temper since 2005. While I have succeeded for the most part, I have snapped a little at co-workers, rather than customers and in one case a manager.
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