The Most Traumatic Day Of Your Life
What two posts back to back? She must be crazy!
I've been meaning to write this for quite awhile. It's just hard to put the words out there. Yeah so okay. Hmm, where to begin. I guess I've just not gotten over Death. Not my Death, I've not experienced that lately, else this would be one miraculous post... I've not really gotten over anyone's Death. And it's capitalized, because it's an experience worth respect, I guess. If you do not stop for Death, it will stop for you. Heh. Well, I stopped and capitalized it, so it can f*** off.
You know how you just live your life day to day and go on, really don't think much of it, then BAM, someone dies. And it kind of takes your breath away how it all goes so fast. Well, it seems like the more and more I try to go on living, the more and more BAMS that come my way. They're not immediate people to me, though. Or else, I'd probably be in a cocoon of blankets on my bed. Why is nothing coming out right?
I guess I just try to keep on going and in doing so, I block out that they're dead. So a couple of months down the road, I'll end up asking my Chris about so and so and he'll give me a horrified look. Or suddenly in the middle of a workday, I'll think of something they did and realize, oh my goodness, they died and I'll never see them again. Even though I probably wouldn't have called them were they still alive. So I'll be standing there with a sad look, what am I supposed to say? My friend died... eighteen months ago. Had it been the day before, people would understand, but almost two years and they're like wtf? I guess I'm just really good at denial.
So my mom called on the fourth of July, which in my family is one of the saddest days of the year. And I forgot my Gran died that day. And I forgot to console my Mom, even though I wondered why she sounded so sad. And then, she told me that a distant cousin of mine died in a freak accident. So okay, now I've got a picture of him on the fridge, so I won't block it. And a friend of the family died a week ago, so I've got his picture in the living room. I've been making myself look at it, so I won't block him out.
I don't go to funerals often anymore. So I don't have the funeral memories to remind me of Death. I can't handle the funerals. Not for anyone. It could be YOUR distant cousin and I will break the fuck down into a mess.
And now I'm thinking of what my Death would be like. How it will happen, what will happen after, how will Kade and my Chris be? And damn it, my vanity, one of the biggest drivers of all things Ari, wants to know who will show up. Who will forget me? What will they say? Will they really be sad? I keep thinking to myself that I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO come back as a ghost. I will WILL this to happen. If I should fall before Kade's grown I WILL myself back as a ghost to take care of him. I promise not to scare him in the shower. Not that I do that now. Okay, but I only did that once and it was really funny. Maybe twice, because he's seriously gullible.
I don't really understand this Death thing. How can someone be there one minute and not the next? How come I can cry buckets of tears because John Doe down the block's brother died, but I barely shed one tear for my own anymore? I can speak calmly about him. Or not talk at all. I do know that when I finally do die, I won't go quietly. I won't be a small snuff of flame. It will be traumatic for me, because I will fight it every step of the way. Death can come for me, but not without a strong kick to the nuts. When God asks why I kicked Death, I'll deny the whole thing. What Death?
I've been meaning to write this for quite awhile. It's just hard to put the words out there. Yeah so okay. Hmm, where to begin. I guess I've just not gotten over Death. Not my Death, I've not experienced that lately, else this would be one miraculous post... I've not really gotten over anyone's Death. And it's capitalized, because it's an experience worth respect, I guess. If you do not stop for Death, it will stop for you. Heh. Well, I stopped and capitalized it, so it can f*** off.
You know how you just live your life day to day and go on, really don't think much of it, then BAM, someone dies. And it kind of takes your breath away how it all goes so fast. Well, it seems like the more and more I try to go on living, the more and more BAMS that come my way. They're not immediate people to me, though. Or else, I'd probably be in a cocoon of blankets on my bed. Why is nothing coming out right?
I guess I just try to keep on going and in doing so, I block out that they're dead. So a couple of months down the road, I'll end up asking my Chris about so and so and he'll give me a horrified look. Or suddenly in the middle of a workday, I'll think of something they did and realize, oh my goodness, they died and I'll never see them again. Even though I probably wouldn't have called them were they still alive. So I'll be standing there with a sad look, what am I supposed to say? My friend died... eighteen months ago. Had it been the day before, people would understand, but almost two years and they're like wtf? I guess I'm just really good at denial.
So my mom called on the fourth of July, which in my family is one of the saddest days of the year. And I forgot my Gran died that day. And I forgot to console my Mom, even though I wondered why she sounded so sad. And then, she told me that a distant cousin of mine died in a freak accident. So okay, now I've got a picture of him on the fridge, so I won't block it. And a friend of the family died a week ago, so I've got his picture in the living room. I've been making myself look at it, so I won't block him out.
I don't go to funerals often anymore. So I don't have the funeral memories to remind me of Death. I can't handle the funerals. Not for anyone. It could be YOUR distant cousin and I will break the fuck down into a mess.
And now I'm thinking of what my Death would be like. How it will happen, what will happen after, how will Kade and my Chris be? And damn it, my vanity, one of the biggest drivers of all things Ari, wants to know who will show up. Who will forget me? What will they say? Will they really be sad? I keep thinking to myself that I HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO come back as a ghost. I will WILL this to happen. If I should fall before Kade's grown I WILL myself back as a ghost to take care of him. I promise not to scare him in the shower. Not that I do that now. Okay, but I only did that once and it was really funny. Maybe twice, because he's seriously gullible.
I don't really understand this Death thing. How can someone be there one minute and not the next? How come I can cry buckets of tears because John Doe down the block's brother died, but I barely shed one tear for my own anymore? I can speak calmly about him. Or not talk at all. I do know that when I finally do die, I won't go quietly. I won't be a small snuff of flame. It will be traumatic for me, because I will fight it every step of the way. Death can come for me, but not without a strong kick to the nuts. When God asks why I kicked Death, I'll deny the whole thing. What Death?
posted by Ari at 9:22 PM
2 Comments:
Beautiful, Ari. You may have been quiet lately, but when you speak....damn, you speak. This was a great post.
You do make a good point. I have some co-workers I'd cry for, before I would for some of my family members.
Its funny life can be so complicated, and death can be too. Some of us are scared to walk during a thunderstorm (me included), because we are afraid to be electrocuted to death, and then there are days when we wake up and wish we were dead.
Post a Comment
<< Home