Twilight Thoughts

Quite often, I put myself to the test in my own mind. Worst case scenarios, irrational situations, little tidbits of conversations, they are all reflected upon, even if I don't let it all out for the world to see. The latest in my ever-expanding getting-to-know-myself category, was a question I posed to myself. What would the world be like if I had never been in it? Now, at first glance, one might think this is nothing but an entry designed solely to inflate my own ego. I do so love it inflated. It has a bouncy-like effect on my mood. Honestly, these are the types of things I ponder as I tuck my ass into bed at night. And really, who doesn't like an over-inflated ego before bed?

The truth is that the answer may not be as great as I'd like. I haven't changed the world in any way. So I can't really answer this question on a grand level. Instead, I must look to all those that I have affected, good and bad.

Oh sure, people in my immediate life would know instantly the difference. Still they are but a few, because I am loathe to let too many people in. Even people I've known for quite some time think they know me, but really don't. Yes, I can be a hellcat, but I'm not always that way. I'm not always politically correct, if at all. Sometimes I keep my opinions to myself, because I know they're unpopular. Sometimes I want to say so much, but don't, because I can't get the words out. People can only go on things I have said or done. And that's a scary thought.

Well, I don't know that I've ever said anything truly profound, nothing worth quoting anyway. I may have done a few nice things for people here and there, but I can't say it was anything noteworthy. Perhaps the world would be a little less sassy. I am good for mouthing off. I need to start watching my mouth. It's going to get me in trouble one of these days. I am always good for a joke. And when humor is concerned, I rarely get offended. So there's that. I like it when people smile and on the same token, I can't let a person cry alone. Maybe someone out there will appreciate that. I can't think of who at the top of my head, though.

Now I've come to a point where I really don't know the answer. I think I have found a question that even I can't answer. I could just flake out and say that the world would be a little less "Ari", but in order for that to be true, I'd have to define who Ari is. I don't want to define myself or have others define what they think of me. I think to do such a thing would lead to an inevitable loss of self. Thus I have discovered that I can't change the world. Not on a global scale, anyway. If I did, people would most definitely want to define me then. So if I were to ever want to make a name for myself, I'd have to do it anonymously, which defeats the whole point.

Right before I fell asleep, I came to a conclusion. Perhaps it doesn't matter what the world would be like without me. Perhaps I don't need to be remembered. And maybe, I shouldn't have eaten that donut before bed. Yet, for all the good I've done, there's bad to go right along with it. I think I cancel myself out. In the end, maybe I'll just be a murmur on the wind that only a few can hear.