So for the past year and a half, my confidence has been chiseled away to almost nothing. For the last six months, I've been at an all-time low. And now, I'm ready to talk about it. Because yesterday, I found a little bit of myself that had gone missing.
My home life is great. I have a wonderful husband, who has been very supportive, even when I didn't recognize him for it. It was my work life that put me through hell. As of this time, I am not going to talk about where I worked or give specific names. They know who they are and frankly, it's just not the point of my post.
Before I truly begin, let me just put a few background details. I come from a family of strong women. I am not saying this to brag, but to illustrate why I felt like such a failure. I come from women that who have been through a lot, but in the end prevail. My women don't take crap from people. My women are ladylike and demure until pissed off and then we are lions. I was taught to be a lady. I was taught manners and etiquette. I was taught to be polite, but whether they realized it or not, the women in my family also showed me how to be strong and how to use my brains and wit to get me through. And yes, if provoked, we can get scrappy, too. (I think I once posted how my ninety-nine pound, four foot eight grandmother whipped a racist man with a wooden spoon when he refused to let my friend walk on "his sidewalk". THAT is an example of women I come from.)
I worked for this company for four years. I had been promoted numerous times, so that by the time I left I had done almost every job within. I knew that job inside and out. I was good at it. It usually is a male-dominated field, although I must say women are really starting to get into it. Before I had been promoted, no woman had done this particular job in the location I worked for. So, it felt good to lead the way, to be a pioneer for the other coworkers. When I was told by other coworkers that no woman would ever be promoted to that particular position, I proved them wrong. I showed them it could be done. Not only could it be done, but I was excelling at a rapid pace.
During my time, there were a few management replacements. None of this bothered me, because I was willing to work with anyone. I had the team with me. I don't like to say they were behind me, because I don't feel I am better than they are. They were with me. Up until my last year there, things were wonderful. I loved that job. I still do and miss it greatly.
My supervisor became annoyed at his own position. He began searching for new employment. There is nothing wrong with this. If he could find himself a more satisfying, higher paying job, I could understand leaving. The problems began when he stopped caring about his job. My work began to suffer, because I no longer had his support. I no longer had him coaching me (which was a part of his job). Not only did I not have his support, when I tried to lead my team without him, he would go right behind me and undermind everything I did. So, I asked a more senior manager to sit down and have a talk with the three of us. I got it off my chest. I told him I felt like his head wasn't in the game anymore. I told him I needed his support. Afterward, I felt much better. He promised to get it together. Little did I know, it wasn't going to be so easy.
After our talk with the more senior manager (who had agreed with everything I'd said), he held a grudge against me. He began to get really nasty with me. Not only with me, but with other women in the store that had "opposed" him, as well. He became very condescending and his remarks were always dripped with venom. He became close with the few male employees we had and with one female, in particular. I made a comment to management about how I noticed the two of them flirting a little too excessively. The senior manager came to me to ask what I'd noticed and to tell me that others had come forward and made the same comments. He denied everything; it was pushed under the rug, so to speak. But it was one more thing for him to hold a grudge.
He began belittling everything I did. Nothing I did was good enough. The previous year, he had done my review. I had the highest scores. Unbeknownst to me, he did my last review and it was scathing. This review was never given to me, personally. I only saw it after I had requested my employee file after I'd left the company. When I got my raise, if you can call it that, I had questioned why it was so little. No one would give me a straight answer. They kept telling me that I was probably "capped" at the max, because I'd done so well in the past. The real reason was because he had given me lowered scores.
I went to the senior manager multiple times about my supervisor. Everything under the sun was promised to me, but nothing was delivered. And it began to get progressively worse. A second manager began screaming at me for every little thing I did. He also had the gall to call me "girl". Apparently, that was my name. When I told him that I didn't like it, that not only was I a full-grown woman, but I had a name he could address me by, he ignored it. He still called me "girl" up until the day I left, even after he'd been asked by senior management to stop. I had gone to senior management, who was ready to dismiss my issue with being called "girl" until I asked him if he'd like to be called "boy." Come here, boy. He looked me straight in the face and said he would not like it and I was to never do it.
My supervisor began taking cues from the second manager and began screaming at me, as well. The last time it happened, he was screaming at me in plain view of everyone. It was demoralizing, humiliating and degrading. He actually began jumping up and down, waving his arms. He also began talking about guy power with a raised fist. I felt so helpless. I felt like no one would listen. The only people that understood were the other women, who supported me and backed me. They said they had my back. And even after I complained to the EEOC, they were solidly with me and would testify on my behalf.
And eventually, I put in my two weeks notice. I felt like such a failure. No one would listen. Those before me that had complained to HR were either badgered by management until they quit or somehow they were fired over one reason or another. When I had tried to fight for myself, I was talked down to. I was talked over and interupted. I was verbally beaten until I felt like I had no voice left. I felt like I could scream and scream about what was happening, but no one could hear me.
After I left, the very woman that my supervisor had been flirting with was promoted to my position. My supervisor left a few months later and now they are dating. The company had had a third party hotline that one could call for such issues and I did. Whatever became of that investigation, I will never know. I was never contacted about it again.
Seven months of not working for that company, seven months of worrying, seven months of feeling dejected and deflated, seven months later, the EEOC steps in for a fact-finding conference. That was yesterday. I spent the night before lying in bed unable to sleep. I had asked some of my coworkers to come with me for moral support, but all had refused. I had read the sheet. The company would have four people there. I was going in alone. I spent the night going over everything in my head. I prepared all my paperwork. I got all my ducks in a row. Yesterday morning, I felt like I would be sick any minute. I thought, I could punk out and just ask for a settlement right away and get it over with. I could just drop it and take the easy way out. But I didn't.
So I went in and there were only two of them with a lawyer who was on the speakerphone. I had an entire briefcase of facts ready to go. It was all down on paper. They sat with a telephone in front of them. No paperwork, not even so much as a pen to write with. And then I told my side. I got it all out. I watched in fascination as they squirmed in their seats. These were the same people that would scream in my face? These were the tough guys? They didn't look so tough now that they might be held accountable. Red-faced and tight-lipped, they sat through what I said. They were given a chance to offer up their side, but there were nothing but flimsly excuses (which I carefully wrote down). When I got a chance to add comments, I rebuttled their excuses. They had nothing else to say. There was no real outcome. It is still being determined. She took what we said and we will get the results later on down the road. But I don't care what the results say.
I held my ground. I took what they said and gave facts back. I didn't need a lawyer to do that for me. When you are armed with the truth, there is no need for a lawyer. I already knew the truth. They couldn't rebuttle what I'd said. They had no answer. I looked them in the face and saw them for what they are. I've already won. All those months feeling as if something were robbed of me, I thought it had been my job, but it wasn't that. I was robbed of my voice. I was robbed of a little piece of myself. And yesterday, I took it back. I can't tell you the feeling I had when I left the building. Chances are this will all go away for them. Chances are nothing will ever come from this. I don't know. But I've already gotten back something far more precious than that company could ever give me. I won back myself. I don't have that doubt anymore. I did nothing wrong. I never failed at all.
If it is true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then I suppose I will end up being a diamond after all. And somewhere up there, I think my grandmother must have smiled.
