Bitchoholic
Hi, my name is Ari and I am a bitchoholic. I like to complain. I like to whine. But most of all, I like being a bitch. Also, I like to cuss, and now I get to, so that's always cool. I know I should be all humble and I know I should be more... selfless... wait, that's a word right? But it's sooooooooo boring to be those things. It's so boring to suffer.
It's much more fun to make others laugh and laugh at people-- I mean with people, with them... what? I don't know.
Wait, wait, wait, back the horse up here. I do have a heart. Really, I do. So just keep that in mind as you read what comes next. Because the truth is, I like Joe the Journal Editor. I think he's a swell guy. I just can't miss out on the opportunity to laugh at the situation. So I offer you... a parody of Joe and AOL and us, the consumer, who late one night, decide to go to bed with Joe.
***********************************************************************************
Joe casually flips to his side of the bed, momentarily satiated and just a little tweaked.
Joe: Was it good for you?
Consumer: I think a part of me is broken now, I can't get it to work.
Joe: Have you tried rebooting your ass?
Consumer: Very funny, Joe.
Joe: I've got some new updates coming soon. These will include new moves, such as the wheelbarrow, doggystyle and the flying monkey.
Consumer: Say what? Whatever, seriously it was not that good. I need a cigarette.
Joe: I will direct your complaints to the higher ups.
Consumer: What are you talking about? Will stop trying to clear my footprints!?
Joe: I've been told it helps solve the problem.
Consumer: You broke my vagina. And there's a guy in the corner holding a Bank of America sign...
Joe: Let me try to fix it. Oh and about that guy... he can't be moved. Forget about him.
Consumer: You're not fixing anything!
Joe: I think I need to address this problem later in the afternoon.
Consumer: Will you get that guy out of here? He's freaking me out!
Joe: I will address this problem in six hours.
Consumer: Whatever, I knew I should have gone out with the Netzero guy instead.
***Later that afternoon***
Joe: It's time for me to address this problem.
Consumer: Zzzzzz
Joe: The problem was that during the flip motion of screwing you, I managed to break your hard drive. These problems tend to crop up if these moves aren't tested first. It happens.
Consumer: Huh? Joe are you talking? I must've fallen asleep here.
Joe: See I put my hand there and then you put your foot there --
Consumer: What? Yeah I know what we did --
Joe: So when you put your finger there, I think you pressed something, then I pressed back --
Consumer: I know, Joe, I was there.
Joe: And then the Bank of America guy came in and you said things were broken. I still haven't managed to fix that --
Consumer: Joe! He's STILL here! And there's five others ones now too!
Joe: Yes, the Quizno's guy paid me so that he could watch.
Consumer: Are you kidding me?
Joe: No, I will take your complaints to the higher up so that your opinion can be heard.
Consumer: What higher ups?
Joe: Oh, you know, the right folk that handle these things.
Consumer: That's it, I'm out of here.
Joe: And then you said you were out of here.
Consumer: Knock it off!
Joe: And then you said knock it off.
Consumer: Quit rehashing things I've said!
Joe: Fine. Let me just rehash what the others have said then
Consumer: What others?
Joe: Oh, all the others I'm screwing over.
Consumer: That's it, I'm outta here!
Joe: Wait, come back, talk to my customer service representative! If you let him screw you, he won't make you pay for it for six months!
Consumer: Asshole!
***********************************************************************************
I should note, that Joe is being used as a symbol for AOL. We all know he is not at fault for whatever went on. I just needed to use him, because I was parodying some of his actions. And because I'm a bitch like that.
*Curties*
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It's much more fun to make others laugh and laugh at people-- I mean with people, with them... what? I don't know.
Wait, wait, wait, back the horse up here. I do have a heart. Really, I do. So just keep that in mind as you read what comes next. Because the truth is, I like Joe the Journal Editor. I think he's a swell guy. I just can't miss out on the opportunity to laugh at the situation. So I offer you... a parody of Joe and AOL and us, the consumer, who late one night, decide to go to bed with Joe.
***********************************************************************************
Joe casually flips to his side of the bed, momentarily satiated and just a little tweaked.
Joe: Was it good for you?
Consumer: I think a part of me is broken now, I can't get it to work.
Joe: Have you tried rebooting your ass?
Consumer: Very funny, Joe.
Joe: I've got some new updates coming soon. These will include new moves, such as the wheelbarrow, doggystyle and the flying monkey.
Consumer: Say what? Whatever, seriously it was not that good. I need a cigarette.
Joe: I will direct your complaints to the higher ups.
Consumer: What are you talking about? Will stop trying to clear my footprints!?
Joe: I've been told it helps solve the problem.
Consumer: You broke my vagina. And there's a guy in the corner holding a Bank of America sign...
Joe: Let me try to fix it. Oh and about that guy... he can't be moved. Forget about him.
Consumer: You're not fixing anything!
Joe: I think I need to address this problem later in the afternoon.
Consumer: Will you get that guy out of here? He's freaking me out!
Joe: I will address this problem in six hours.
Consumer: Whatever, I knew I should have gone out with the Netzero guy instead.
***Later that afternoon***
Joe: It's time for me to address this problem.
Consumer: Zzzzzz
Joe: The problem was that during the flip motion of screwing you, I managed to break your hard drive. These problems tend to crop up if these moves aren't tested first. It happens.
Consumer: Huh? Joe are you talking? I must've fallen asleep here.
Joe: See I put my hand there and then you put your foot there --
Consumer: What? Yeah I know what we did --
Joe: So when you put your finger there, I think you pressed something, then I pressed back --
Consumer: I know, Joe, I was there.
Joe: And then the Bank of America guy came in and you said things were broken. I still haven't managed to fix that --
Consumer: Joe! He's STILL here! And there's five others ones now too!
Joe: Yes, the Quizno's guy paid me so that he could watch.
Consumer: Are you kidding me?
Joe: No, I will take your complaints to the higher up so that your opinion can be heard.
Consumer: What higher ups?
Joe: Oh, you know, the right folk that handle these things.
Consumer: That's it, I'm out of here.
Joe: And then you said you were out of here.
Consumer: Knock it off!
Joe: And then you said knock it off.
Consumer: Quit rehashing things I've said!
Joe: Fine. Let me just rehash what the others have said then
Consumer: What others?
Joe: Oh, all the others I'm screwing over.
Consumer: That's it, I'm outta here!
Joe: Wait, come back, talk to my customer service representative! If you let him screw you, he won't make you pay for it for six months!
Consumer: Asshole!
***********************************************************************************
I should note, that Joe is being used as a symbol for AOL. We all know he is not at fault for whatever went on. I just needed to use him, because I was parodying some of his actions. And because I'm a bitch like that.
*Curties*
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posted by Ari at 8:45 AM
3 Comments:
Sweet Christmas you made me spit up. That's SO WRONG.
You are da bomb Ari, I am wetting myself right now, hahahaha
*laughs herself silly* Oh my gods, that was *the* best thing I've read in awhile, bar none...! *is still laughing and trying not to spit tea all over the monitor* :)
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